STRENGTH FROM SCARES

_{This blog contains material of sensitive nature that may be triggering for some individuals.}

Hello! I’m Arathi Rajanth, a Sri Lankan Tamil; I’ve made my home in the UK, where I’m married and pursuing a career in banking. As I reach this milestone in 2024, I reflect on how quickly time flies. While I have no regrets, I’m always eager to learn and grow from my experiences.

I come from a family that values education and ambition. My father is highly educated and established, which instilled a sense of determination in me from a young age. My mother, a talented and opinionated housewife, has strongly influenced my life. Her creativity and resilience have taught me the importance of being true to myself and embracing my uniqueness. I’m also blessed with a loving brother and sister-in-law who have always stood by my side, providing unwavering support and encouragement. Together, our close-knit circle of relatives has instilled in me the importance of happiness and the value of being together.

Turning 40 has made me realise just how small the world can be. I have been trying to start a family for some time, and the toll it takes within the couple and tackling the societal and cultural pressures that often come with being an Asian woman is another challenge when you hit this stage of age.

The expectations around motherhood and what it means to be a wife can sometimes feel overwhelming. Yet, I have managed to navigate these challenges by staying true to myself and my values. Don’t get me wrong; it is challenging and stressful, and at times, I have lost my courage and will to move forward, hide away from people with low self-esteem, and fall into an unhealthy lifestyle.

My childhood was in Sri Lanka, where the influence of social media was near nonexistent, a true 90s kid. We were playing around outdoors rather than coming up with content for social media posts. Not sure if people even heard of Hi 5 and Internet chat rooms back then, the whole new world of social media.

My joyful childhood changed when I turned 9. It was then that the sexual abuse started with my math tutor. It changed me as a person, from a bubbly girl to someone closed off and miserable. Social pressure and culture made me a silent survivor – where I had to resume my life as if nothing ever happened. My mother was my backbone through this tough time – even though she did not know how to handle or had no support to prosecute the perpetrator – her unconditional love and caring in trying her best to make me stronger and more aware of this taboo subject – helped me a lot. But she, too, had to live within the limits of social status and fear of what the world would think.

Disclaimer: The image used above is generated by AI and is not based on real individual or event, and any resemblance to actual people, places or things is purely coincidental

In those days, Asian women were held responsible for the wrongdoing that happened to the kids, and females were to be blamed for any form of abuse – as it was always their fault for not protecting themselves better. This made it more challenging to speak about these incidents in public or even within the family. Until later, I did not realise how not healing properly – harmed my behaviours and how I viewed the world.

Joining ANBU – Abuse Never Becomes Us in 2017 in the UK – a registered charity that helps survivors of childhood sexual abuse, was the golden ticket for my new life – which I will share in future topics later in my blogs.

In my 20s, I had to move out of Sri Lanka to pursue higher studies. Being a Tamil stubborn and reckless girl, my parents found it very stressful due to the state the country was in during the war. They fear the worst, as they have seen and experienced the outcome of ethnic war. So, I was told I needed to leave the country to survive and have a better future. And I landed here in the UK.

Being an international student with English not being my mother tongue was tough. I had to start everything from scratch to adapt to the environment, understand the culture, and earn enough to cover my basic expenses. I felt that my parents took away my luxurious lifestyle back home and left me to suffer in a world where I had no intention of staying.

I married at 26, and my life improved significantly, even though it felt challenging. Living with my in-laws was difficult for someone who had always lived according to her morals and limitations. However, despite their cultural differences, I am grateful to have loved ones who accepted me for who I am and adapted to my values. It was a challenging journey, but I have learned from my past experiences, which have helped strengthen our bonds.

Since childhood – Dancing has been my passion. I have done both traditional Bharatha and Western, and when it comes to something I love, I put all I have into achieving it. I continued my passion even when I moved to the UK and have done so many stage performances. But life has its own twist – out of the blue came the knee injury, and I had to stop all activities for almost a year. It was heartbreaking and depressing to see myself unable to do what I love, and I felt like I was crippled for life.

That is when I started focusing more on charity and worked on many projects. Surprisingly, I found more happiness in working with like-minded people—not all about sales and money but about love, satisfaction, and caring. The smile you see on the recipient—not in the form of money but to self-motivate and self-develop other women to be breadwinners and survive—brought me joy.  

Until I was 35, my life felt like every year was a long, dragging day, and I felt like I had more time to achieve, enjoy, and be laid back in how and what I wanted to accomplish. But as soon as I hit 35, life felt like a speed boat; days, weeks, and months went like rocket shots into the sky.

That is when things get gloomier and more challenging, and you start to feel the pressure of life and its expectations. COVID did not help—everything stopped, and lifestyles changed for better and worse. To be honest, the COVID days are when I realised how much I needed to invest in self-building and understanding the purpose of life.

I’ve also witnessed how relationships evolve. Friends come and go, and the dynamics within my family have shifted. I’ve learned the importance of holding everything together, even during the most challenging moments. There are untold stories and secrets within me that shape my identity, and I’m eager to share them as I embark on this new chapter.

After a couple of failed attempts in IVF, I did not want to proceed in my mid-30’s but thought to try again as I moved into my late 30’s. After consulting with family and loved ones, I prioritised my health and mindfulness and set priorities for what I wanted at this time of age. Even though having no kids didn’t affect me before, now the urge to become a mother is what my heart desires. This made me realise that I needed to make some changes and try out different options than regretting later. Today, turning 40, I have made so many drastic changes that I would have always hesitated.

I have taken a career break and moved back to Sri Lanka. Spending some quality time with my ageing parents makes me realise the importance of time and that the time for them is soon nearing its end. I have resumed fertility treatment, hoping for a new start. This time away from the hectic work–social life made me look back on my life—the path and decisions I have made—and realise that I have learnt and evolved so much through the years without realising so.

This is when I felt I wanted to leave a lasting impact. My journey has been about finding my healing and embracing self-discovery. Every experience—good and bad—has contributed to who I am today. I’ll continue to learn and grow, reflecting on my parents’ advice while questioning and debating it when necessary. Each year brings me closer to becoming a more complete version of myself.

Some habits may stick, and that’s perfectly fine! Ageing is not about perfection; it’s about accepting who you are and understanding the reasons behind life’s twists and turns. Once you embrace this perspective, getting older becomes acceptable and truly beautiful.

Since my husband entered my life, everything has changed for the better. His incredible tolerance and support have made a world of difference. He not only helps lighten the load of household chores but also provides the mental and emotional support that makes life feel much more manageable. No matter what challenges we face, he always makes sure I know his love for me is unconditional. He celebrates my individuality, supports my career and hobbies, and never asks me to change simply because we’re married. His love empowers me to be my true self.

Having known each other since childhood, he understands my past and embraces me just as I am. After 15 years of marriage, I’ve realised that despite our differences and occasional disagreements, no one has and ever will love me as deeply as he does.

As I celebrate this new decade, I look forward to sharing more of my journey and connecting with others navigating similar paths. Here’s to turning 40 and the adventures, challenges, and growth ahead!

Let’s embrace this journey together.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this blog are those of the author and her personal experiences and do not necessarily reflect the views or experiences of others.

If you’ve been affected by anything in the post, know help is available, please see the following UK helplines:

NAPAC (National Association for People Abused in Childhood):0808 801 0331

Jothy Helpline: 0203 371 0006

A list of other Tamil speaking support services:
Tamil-speaking Support