STRENGTH FROM SCARES

Saying No: Empowering Yourself Through Boundaries

Have you ever felt unable to say no when someone makes you uncomfortable? Have you attended events where you felt out of place? Or found yourself overwhelmed with work simply because your manager praised you for taking on too much? If so, you’re not alone.

I’ve experienced countless situations where I tried to please everyone, only to find myself trapped in a cycle that jeopardised my mental health and inner peace. These experiences taught me valuable lessons, and I mastered the art of saying no with grace.

Understanding Personal Boundaries

Personal boundaries are essential for maintaining our well-being. They can be categorised into three main types:

1. Physical Contact
2. Verbal Interactions
3. Personal Space

“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” – Paulo Coelho

Establishing and maintaining these boundaries consistently is no small feat, especially in today’s fast-paced world. Many people react negatively when they encounter boundaries, making it easy to slip back into old, comfortable behaviours to avoid conflict.

I recall moments when I had to firmly tell others not to ask certain questions. In my culture, it’s common for older generations to question our lifestyle choices, often under the guise of concern. While their intentions may be rooted in love, the repetitive inquiries can feel burdensome, bordering on intrusive.

In certain cultures, women are shaped by deep-rooted societal expectations that often dictate the course of their lives. From an early age, they are taught to prioritise obedience and respect for parents, a value that is deeply ingrained in many cultures. This sense of duty can sometimes feel like a heavy burden when the parents impose their likes and dislikes rather than considering the child’s wishes.

As a woman transitioned into adulthood, the pressure only intensified, particularly after marriage. There’s an unspoken assumption that one should prioritise one’s husband’s desires and conform to traditional roles. This expectation often leaves little room for the woman’s personal ambitions or choices, creating a tension between what society envisions for her and what she truly wants for herself.

One of the most challenging aspects of this journey has been the persistent questioning about my decision of why we have no kids until now. Each inquiry reminds me of societal norms and what many perceive as a ‘missing’ piece in my life. Initially, I found myself overwhelmed by the pressure to explain my choices. It took time to develop the confidence to assert my boundaries. While I understand that these questions often come from a place of genuine concern or curiosity, I wasn’t ready to share my deeply personal reasons with everyone.

Ultimately, this journey has been about finding my identity amid the overwhelming pressure of expectations. It has required patience, self-reflection, and the courage to stand firm in my choices, even when they diverge from the path others may envision. Life became significantly easier once I learned to say no and set boundaries. Those who didn’t appreciate my changes either moved away from me or spread negativity, which helped protect my newfound peace. At the same time, the people who understood me stayed close and supported me through it all.

Reflecting on my past, I recall the struggle I faced even as a child when it came to setting boundaries. In my earlier blog, “Embracing 40: My Journey of Self-Discovery,” I delved into how this challenge stemmed from deeper issues related to my inability to heal from past experiences. Instead of recognising my own needs, I often placed others’ feelings above my own, a pattern that ultimately brought me more pain than fulfilment.

I grappled with guilt, questioning why I didn’t have the strength to say no to the abuse I endured. This internal dialogue became a cycle of blame; I held myself responsible for allowing those hurtful experiences to occur, believing I could have done something to prevent them. It was a heavy burden to bear, one that clouded my sense of self-worth and stunted my personal growth.

The Importance of Setting Boundaries: Key Insights

Here are some compelling statistics that highlight the importance of setting boundaries:

1. Mental Health Impact: Research shows that individuals who establish clear boundaries experience lower stress and anxiety levels. A study in the Journal of Counselling Psychology found that people with strong personal boundaries are less prone to burnout.
2. Relationship Satisfaction: A survey by the American Psychological Association revealed that couples who communicate their boundaries effectively report higher satisfaction in their relationships, with approximately 70% noting improved intimacy when boundaries are openly discussed.
3. Workplace Boundaries: According to a Gallup survey, employees who set boundaries at work are 21% more productive. Establishing boundaries can prevent burnout and enhance work-life balance.
4. Self-Care: The National Institute of Mental Health links self-care practices, including boundary-setting, to improved emotional regulation and resilience. About 60% of individuals who engage in regular self-care report feeling more in control of their lives.
5. Social Media and Boundaries: A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that 50% of participants felt the need to set boundaries around their social media usage to maintain mental health, emphasising the importance of digital boundaries.

Learning to set boundaries is a vital skill that can lead to greater self-awareness and healthier relationships. While it may initially feel uncomfortable, the benefits of establishing clear limits far outweigh the temporary discomfort.

Embrace the journey of saying no, and watch as you reclaim your peace and power.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this blog are those of the author and her personal experiences and do not necessarily reflect the views or experiences of others.

If you’ve been affected by anything in the post, know help is available; please see the following UK sites for further assistance:

Samaritans Charity Page

NHS UK – Mental health

A list of other Tamil-speaking support services:
Tamil-speaking Support